An agent's or editor's dream come true (not)

Dear Agent or Editor:

I have recently had a fabulous idea for a book, and I wanted to share it with you because I'm sure it would be a perfect choice for publication. I'm certain that you're going to go wild over it, because it's a shoo-in as a hit movie. At this point, I'm guessing that there will be multiple printings of the book in addition to the movie deal. Possibly we'll be looking at action figures, because when I ran it by my kids and all their friends, they were absolutely ecstatic.

Before I go into the particulars, I'd like to know what kind of contract I will be looking at for this blockbuster. I'm thinking a five-figure advance would be acceptable, but with the vying that will be taking place on this manuscript, you might want to go with six-figures to insure you're in the running. I've looked into copyrighting my idea, but since I haven't done this yet, I'm sure you'll understand that until I hear from the first publishers or agents to respond, I can't give out the plot details.

I urge you to make your offer quickly and have included my email address so that you can contact me before it's too late. I'm starting the first draft this week.

Sincerely,

I. M. Naive

clueless@gmail.com

Appeasing the publishing gods

Feverish drum beats echo through the sultry jungle night as natives with torches, like a line of wavering fireflies, make their way up the side of a rumbling volcano. The tropical breezes drift past unnoticed as they climb past trees and around boulders, each clutching a sacrifice to his or her breast.

Finally, as they attain the rim, the reverberation of seismic activity throws them to the ground. Their chief is the first to struggle to his feet.

"My fellow writers!" he thunders to the crowd. "We must appease the publishing gods. Have you your sacrifices?"

As one, they respond with an affirmative cry over the grumbling of the volcano.

"And are they first drafts, unedited and pure in their original form, printed on pastel paper in colored inks so they are sure to gain the attention of an editor?"

"Yes! Yes!"

"Are you certain you have made no attempt whatever to research which publishers might be interested in your genre or type of writing?"

"Yes!"

The natives are in a wild frenzy by now, waving their manuscripts over their heads.

"It is time!" shrieks the chief. "Throw your sacrifices into the volcano. The publishing gods must be appeased!"

In a cascade of colorful papers completely lacking sufficiently postaged self-addressed stamped envelopes for return responses, the manuscripts plunge into the fiery depths where they are incinerated before they can touch the molten maelstrom below. A wailing keen fills the darkness as the natives hurry down into their jungle huts.

"Do you think we'll hear anything this time?" one native whispers to his neighbor.

"Absolutely. This time I added a handwritten note about how my kids and wife loved my story. I'm guessing they'll get back to me in less than two weeks. By the way, I'm looking for an illustrator for my picture book. Can you recommend anyone?"